Born Here, Shift: My high vis plan to reclaim Edinburgh in August

Street performers aren’t so entertaining when you’re trying to get to work | PA

It was one of those moments you only really get in Edinburgh in August.

I was driving down Hanover Street the other day when comedian Russell Howard stepped off the pavement and started walking across the road right in front of me. Slight acceleration would have robbed the country of one of its best loved comics and left the Pleasance with its biggest venue to fill at the height of the Fringe.

However it would also have sent me to jail ….so I slowed down.

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In August, everything in Edinburgh is a bit slower and more difficult thanks to the million visitors crammed into the city centre.

And it really is just the centre. Life in the suburbs continues pretty much as normal, free from the impact of jugglers, unicycle riders or those blokes playing the Peruvian Panpipes.

Occasionally, someone will suggest spreading the Fringe out to places like Pilton and Portobello. That’s a terrible idea. What have those people done to deserve 15 performances of Karen Korset’s Drag Karaoke?

It’s far better that the madness all takes place in the city centre but that is a challenge for those of us who have to work or visit there. That’s where my great patented idea comes in.

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For years now, most major Fringe operators have offered cut price tickets to locals as an incentive to get involved. But prices aren’t the problem, it’s the crowds and congestion locals find tougher to deal with.

If you’ve spent a hot day working in the city, when you get home the idea of returning to the mayhem to see a show can be too much to ask. That’s why locals need a different sort of advantage.

My Edinburgh Resident High Viz Vest (ERHVV) will be available to anyone who pays Council Tax for an Edinburgh postcode. With it will come a wide range of benefits.

For a start, wearers will have pavement priority, allowing them to push through the crowds in the same way cars have to move out of the way when they hear an ambulance siren. In fact the vest might come with an alarm, or at least The Proclaimers singing “I’m On My Way” or “King of The Road”.

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Anyone wearing the vest will also have priority when it comes to bus travel. This has been a bugbear since the day I spent 10 minutes in the rain while a ukulele orchestra boarded the number 27 trying to pay (individually) with plectrums and pennies they’d found down the back of the sofa. Even worse, they didn’t say ‘thank you’ when they got off.

From now on, that won’t be a problem because locals will go first. Same goes for getting served in pubs, buying a sausage roll from Greggs and getting on the tram….if it ever starts running properly again.

Pretty quickly these vests would become much prized items. Like Glastonbury t-shirts, they could have different slogans every year. Perhaps “I was here first” or “Born here, shift”.

Of course this would make them ripe for abuse and it wouldn’t be long before Cordelia from Cambridge got her hands on one to try to ease her visit to the city.

However with their braying accents, good teeth and irritating self confidence, interlopers would be easily spotted and handed a fitting punishment. Tickets for all 15 performances of Karen Korset’s Drag Karaoke.