Here's my vision of Britain under Reform UK in 2029. You can decide if I'm a new Nostradamus

I awoke in a state of feverish excitement. Despite being a secular person who regards anyone declaring themselves to be “spiritual but not religious” with mild suspicion, I had had a vision. And for those of you eagerly signing up to Nigel Farage’s modern-day Reconquista, it may be a glorious one.

The year was 2029, on the 100th day after the election of the first Reform UK government. It had been a landslide victory, with the triumphant Farage leading a party of 412 MPs – nearly 300 more than the much-humbled Opposition, which was nonetheless continuing its long-standing policy of agreeing with Reform while simultaneously insisting they’re “racist”.

The few critics that remained pointed out that Farage had only won the backing of 20 per cent of the electorate. However, by a curious twist of fate, this was exactly the same result achieved by Labour in 2024, so everyone just shrugged their shoulders, ignored the few policy nerds suggesting proportional representation might be a good idea, and decided it was probably fine.

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Nigel Farage's Reform UK party is currently in poll position to win the next general election (Picture: Chris J Ratcliffe) | Getty Images

Deportation bidding war

Determined to ‘hit the ground running’ – because that’s just what governments must do, no sense in hanging around to think too carefully about anything – Farage and his Cabinet had been busy. Well, Farage seemed to spend an awful lot of time in the Maldives, but nonetheless the UK had changed – dramatically and forever.

After a rather unseemly bidding war with the Conservatives over how many people each party would deport, Reform’s plans had escalated from 600,000 people to cover anyone unable to prove their ancestors were legally resident in the UK in 1708 or earlier. It was, of course, entirely coincidental that this was also the year that a certain French Huguenot refugee called ‘Monsieur Farage’ benefited from the passing of the Foreign Protestants Naturalisation Act.

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The Martello Towers built along the coast in the early 1800s to defend against a feared invasion by Napoleon’s army were reactivated and garrisoned by the newly created Border Guard Force, equipped with remote-control drone missiles to blow up small boats in the Channel, citing the 2025 Trump Doctrine that vessels at sea can be destroyed without interference from the rule of law, ‘human rights’ or ‘activist judges’ if criminality is suspected.

That the BGF’s ranks mostly consisted of teenage boys with considerable experience in playing video games was the subject of some comment, particularly when a crew of disabled army veterans on a charity row around Britain was tragically blown out of the water to cries of “take that, you noobs!”

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‘Great Britain is Great Again’

Meanwhile, Chancellor Liz Truss, a fairly recent defector from the Conservatives, had moved quickly to abolish the Office for Budget Responsibility, with the Office for Budget Patriotism created in its stead, and replace all the Treasury’s civil servants with a team of amateur ‘Superforecasters’ hand-picked by former Tory aide and Brexit campaign supremo Dominic Cummings.

Although Richard Tice – who sadly found himself increasingly sidelined despite remaining Reform’s deputy leader, seldom being invited to the Maldives for ad hoc meetings of the inner Cabinet – had admitted a manifesto promise to deliver £90 billion in tax cuts could not be kept, Truss decided not only that it could be, but that the sum would be doubled to £180bn.

“The Westminster blob which betrayed me when I was Prime Minister is no more and, after examining the entrails of a dead lettuce, the Superforecasters have spoken. Our tax cuts will usher in a new golden age of prosperity for this Sceptred Isle, this New Jerusalem... Great Britain is Great Again!” she declared in one of the more disturbing episodes in my vision.

Panic ensued at the Stock Exchange. However, after a mob consisting mainly of staff from the Office for Budget Patriotism stormed the building, forcing the suspension of trading, and everyone’s mortgage payments rose by a combined total of £181bn, the great British public returned to the mild grumbling about most things for which it has been famous for generations.

A new sign of insanity

In a major speech to mark the 100th day of the Reform government, Sarah Pochin, the Culture, Media and Sport Secretary, told an audience of media ‘luvvies’, assembled for a collective dressing down: “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again ‘it drives me mad when I see adverts full of black people, full of Asian people... your average white person [is] not represented anymore.’”

She did later apologise “for any offence caused” – for the second time following similar remarks in 2025 – while the sense of deja vu continued when Farage conceded that her comments were “ugly and wrong” but not, as some claimed, “racist”. However, he also stressed that Pochin had been speaking “in a broader context of DEI [diversity, equity and inclusion] madness in the advertising industry” – a commitment to ‘equity’ having been formally recognised as a sign of insanity at a conference of mental health experts held shortly after Reform’s election.

Pochin announced a new quota system based on the ethnic make-up of the UK in 1708, and not just for adverts but also for sporting teams, company boards, charitable institutions and other bodies. “Under Reform UK, the average white person will always be represented!” she proclaimed.

Of course, my many critics will say my ‘vision’ was, at best, a particularly lucid dream or, at worst, a shockingly fabricated attempt at satire by the ‘fake news’, and most certainly not any kind of revelation, divine or otherwise.

To them I say, I wholeheartedly agree. I am no modern-day, Anglo-Scottish Nostradamus, although feel free to decide that for yourselves. But surely, surely, there is absolutely no chance that any of this, or even anything like it, will ever come to pass.