Seven new Tartan Army chants to help save America from Donald Trump
The Tartan Army is going to cause a stir in the US, which is unused to inventive and funny football chants
“This is Atlanta! We’re gonna stomp you out!” Football chants in the USA can be pretty bad. Don’t believe me? How about “Fight! And win!” (screamed into a microphone for the crowd to repeat) or the comically uncertain: “I believe that we will win.” Or the inexplicable: “It’s called soccer.... it’s called soccer...”
To be fair, there may be a degree of cherry-picking in the YouTube videos I’ve been watching (of Americans bemoaning the quality of their chants compared to British fans’). However, I think I’m on safe ground when stating that our American cousins don’t have quite the same football culture as we do here.
My favourite chant of all time is the Tartan Army’s wonderful “We’re gonna deep-fry yer pizzas, deep-fry yer pizzas...” when playing Italy a few years ago, which artfully combines self-deprecation with humorous menace. Newcastle fans’ “Philippe, Philippe Albert, Everyone knows his name” (to the tune of the Rupert the Bear theme song) comes a close second.
A key period in US politics
So when football fans descend on the US for the World Cup, Americans are going to be in for a surprise, given they are not used to tens of thousands of football fans chanting something amusing, provocative or inventively insulting (they may also be shocked by the bad language, swearing being a greater faux pas in America than it is here).
This novel behaviour will, therefore, likely attract more interest than it usually does at home, creating an opportunity for Tartan Army fans to send a message to the USA during Scotland’s games in Boston and Miami. And what better message to send than Scotland’s widespread disdain for America’s half-Scottish president, Donald Trump.
The period between now and the US mid-term elections in November is a particularly important one. Trump has made various ‘jokes’ about being “a dictator for a day” and so on, but some political commentators fear such seemingly light-hearted remarks could be an attempt to prepare the ground for an even greater attack on democracy than the one staged following his 2020 election defeat.
If the Republicans lose control of Congress to the Democrats, this would significantly curtail his power and possibly enable him to be impeached.
Scotland fans could, therefore, do the US – and the world – a big favour by reminding Americans about Trump’s many failings.
‘You’re in love with Putin’s chum’
I’ve never managed to start a football chant and don’t expect to be able to now. However, I can still dream and here are seven suggestions, in the hope that, even if none is used, they inspire true Tartan Army bards to come up with some of their own.
1, To the tune of Stacy’s Mom by Fountains of Wayne:
“Putin’s chum has got it going on,
He’s all you want but he’s just so blinking wrong,
Yankees can’t you see? He is not the Pres you need,
You know it might be wrong, but you’re in love with Putin’s chum.”
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2, It would seem wrong for Scottish fans not to raise the effect that teetotaller Trump’s shocking tariffs have had on our national drink. And so, to the tune of the Wellerman, as sung by our own Nathan Evans:
“Soon may the Donald Trump come,
To tax our whisky and tea and rum,
One day, when the tariffs are gone,
We’ll raise a glass with you.”
‘You’ll cry and cry’
3, Trump is famously a fan of Scotland’s gift to the sporting world, golf. However, according to at least two people who have played with him, former pro Suzann Pettersen and sportswriter Rick Reilly, he has a flexible relationship with the rules of the game. Reilly even wrote a book about it, called Commander in Cheat: How Golf Explains Trump.
With this in mind, to the tune of Your Cheatin’ Heart:
“His cheatin' card will make you weep,
You'll cry and cry and try to sleep,
But sleep won't come the whole night through,
For Trump you know, he’s cheatin’ you.”
4, Scottish fans who travel to the US may need to watch out for the trigger-happy and poorly trained members of ICE, some of whom appear to detain people for the ‘crime’ of looking or sounding a bit foreign.
To the tune of Vanilla Ice’s Ice Ice Baby:
“Don’t ice me, Ice Ice baby, Dun, dun dun dun dadalunduh,
Can’t you be nice, Ice baby? Dun, dun dun dun dadalunduh.”
‘Trump’s most hated things’
5, Thousands of Scottish fans’ bellowing out ‘Doe a deer’, aka Do-Re-Mi from the Sound of Music, is one of the most wonderfully surreal experiences in all of football. So why not add another song from the musical to our repertoire in order to make a point about Trump’s unwholesome nature.
To the tune of My Favourite Things:
“Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens,
Bright copper kettles and warm woollen mittens,
Brown paper packages tied up with strings,
These are a few of Trump’s most hated things.”
6, Sometimes, the simplest is the best. A straightforward chant: “Dump Trump! Dump Trump! Dump Trump!”
7, Finally, I’ve been forced to admit defeat on this one, but there surely must be a way to adapt the children’s song (or Toy Dolls’ punk version), Nellie the elephant, into something suitably satirical:
“Nellie the elephant packed her trunk
And said goodbye to the circus
Off she went with a trumpety trump
Trump trump trump.”
Can the Tartan Army sway US opinion decisively against Trump? Maybe, but probably not. Can they have a lot of fun puncturing the pomposity of this ridiculous, arrogant and dangerous orange buffoon? Absolutely.
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