The hysterical reactions to a smoking ban in pub beer gardens have made the habit even less cool

There was a period in time where smoking was really cool, and I know this, because I’ve never tried it.

In those adolescent years, smoking felt adult, trendy and something to do after school, or indeed during it. It gave an air of sophistication, cultural rebellion and instead of being an addiction, was actually just French.

Then as my generation got a bit older, it became a great way to meet people, hanging out and chatting in smoking areas rather than listening to Flo Rida, Katy Perry and all the other rubbish music that suffocated clubs in the 2010s. 

Smoking allowed you to socialise, flirt and spend a proportion of your income on something that kills about 80,000 people a year in Britain.

Labour, the b***ards, now have the temerity to try and take that away from us. The fun police, having already made us wear seatbelts years earlier, are now seeking to ban smoking in pub beer gardens and outside large venues. 

Scotland is no safe space from this nanny state measure, with the Scottish Government seemingly minded to follow suit. And sure, smoking is estimated to cost the NHS in Scotland £500 million a year, but can you put a price on vibes? 

Because that’s what smoking delivers. Good vibes. It’s a trendy accessory, something that gives you an aesthetic, an identity, and also a sparkling array of terminal illnesses.

But despite this, people still do it. Because it’s presumably nice, tasty and addictive. So addictive, in fact, that I initially thought this proposal would fail, because who’s more resistant to change than addicts who think they’re cool.

However, the reaction to the proposed ban from so-called libertarians is so deranged, so utterly devoid of any sense of perspective, that it may succeed where this proposal fails.

It could make smoking so uncool people just stop, giving up rather than being associated with some of the most desperate attention seekers British politics has to offer.

First up was Nigel Farage, saying he would never go to a pub again if the ban went through, which is the biggest load of b******s I’ve ever heard. He compounded this by staging a protest outside a pub, where he, er, had a pint and a fag. Such bravery!

However, this was nothing compared to former Tory minister Esther McVey, who shared a poem about the Holocaust to criticise the UK government's proposals. The former minister for Common Sense - no really - shared a section of Martin Niemoller's 1946 poem, "First They Came", on social media, adding: "Pertinent words re Starmer's smoking ban."

Is it, Esther? Is a poem about the Holocaust really pertinent? Or is everyone just desperate to be outraged, and needs to take a good long look at themselves, if their eyesight hasn’t been affected?

It’s cringe, it’s embarrassing and makes smoking incredibly gauche. I get it, it was nice to have a smoking area where you can chat and pull. Oh yes, hasn’t this country gone to the dogs, bloody PC Brigade etc, etc.

Smoking is the habit of a man who literally does adverts for buying gold, and a GB News presenter. It’s over, it’s done. Let’s hope playing music without headphones is next.