Why Scots should ditch their tedious 'Anyone But England' attitude – John McLellan
Proud Scotsman John McLellan explains why he’ll be cheering on Harry Kane and co as they take on Norway in the World Cup
Trade in your sombrero for a horned helmet and Erling Haaland hairpiece. Let bygones be bygones about the Battle of Largs. Get in touch with your inner Henrik Ibsen, Edvard Grieg, Morten Harket and the Heroes of Telemark. ‘Lord Nelson, Maggie Thatcher, your boys are going to take a hell of a beating’ again, just as they did in 1981. Row up the nearest escalator shouting “Ro … Come on Norway!”
At least that’s what’s expected of us Scots as England face the Norwegians in their World Cup quarter-final in Miami tonight, the traditional allegiance to supporting Anyone But England (ABE) in any sport switching to the Norsemen after the stunning defeat of the Mexicans.
No amount of Sol and tequila will have masked the crushing disappointment of whoever draped Wellington and his horse with big straw hats and a Mexican flag. Even with a weather delay, high altitude, around 80,000 home fans shouting them on against ten men, and mariachi bands and fireworks keeping the opposition up all night, they still couldn’t do it. Not even with Eli Wallach and a band of desperadoes.
And I’m chuffed to bits. No, I didn’t stay up till four in the morning − I couldn’t even stay up for the start of Scotland’s opener against Haiti – but boy was I relieved when I awoke to the news that Thomas Tuchel’s side had pulled off what most commentators would have thought impossible.
Dirty looks from other Scotland fans
No, ABE is not for me. Not since collecting the Esso World Cup coins in 1970. They may be the Auld Enemy when England play Scotland, but I’ve never seen the attraction of living out sporting fantasies in the hope England will lose to teams from places you’ve never visited in sports you don’t follow.
But I do see the attraction of winding up the England haters, and I always find it amusing to see the odd dirty look when singing God Save the King before Calcutta Cup matches.
At times like these when England are still involved at the business end of a World Cup, it’s inevitable that sport, politics and national attitudes become entwined. I’m all for cheering on the underdog and enjoying a sporting upset, but when it comes to wanting the Boks to stuff the Red Roses, or celebrating Maradona’s Hand of God moment in 1986, I draw the line.
We’re sick and tired of hearing about 1966, so imagine how unbearable it would be if they went all the way this time, say countless Scottish football followers. But surely the only way for commentators to stop banging on about Bobby Moore and Geoff Hurst is for them to win the bloody thing again?
Och, it’s just the banter to adopt the colours of whoever the Auld Enemy is playing, be it football, rugby, tiddlywinks or whatever. But is it? I’ve never found it anything other than tedious to gain satisfaction from England’s misfortune, but I’m not the first to think that seeking triumph from our neighbour’s misfortune speaks to an unnecessary insecurity.
ABE alive and well among ‘officer class’
There was I last Wednesday on a trip down memory lane at Glasgow’s Elmbank Street with other 60-somethings, the last men standing when the old High School of Glasgow closed its doors for the last time in 1976, and attention turned away from picking our way through the rubble inside C Block, and from the old pictures of young men in the school’s chocolate and gold uniforms, to fist-pumping at the news that England were a goal down in their group match with the Democratic Republic of Congo.
Even among the retired lawyers and doctors, old boys of a school which prepared the officer class for Empire, ABE was alive and well. And there were some raised eyebrows when there was some fist pumping of my own when we learnt that Harry Kane had struck twice to secure England’s place in the last 16.
For the genetically anti-English, Norway vs England is the perfect clash. Norway, population 5.6 million, is cold, wet, and windswept, with its sovereign wealth fund and its football schools showing us how to make chumps out of the Brazilians. And sure enough there was a prominently displayed letter to The Herald on Tuesday claiming Scotland will never be any good at football until independence is achieved.
Perhaps Scott McKenna was dreaming about Norwegian oil and gas revenues when he should have been keeping his eye on Rayan and Junior, and Grant Hanley was distracted by Estonia’s GDP growth as Morocco’s Saibari ghosted through the offside trap.
Footballing underachievers
I’m no football expert, but even I can see something is going wrong when the team so regularly underperforms while places like the Cape Verde Islands (population less than Edinburgh) can embarrass Spain and run world champions Argentina close at the first time of asking.
It’s not all a bed of roses in Norway, with unemployment currently the same as Scotland at 4.4 per cent, but they have installed over 500 new artificial pitches in the last decade and strengthened a network of community clubs run by volunteers but supported by professional coaches. The accent on fun and participation rather than results, appears to be paying off.
When my son played junior football not that long ago, most weeks it was a slug-fest on muddy pitches, and too often against sides where thuggery was a badge of honour, tolerated by hopeless referees pocketing £30 for their time.
If we want to improve at football, there are plenty of examples to follow that don’t require constitutional upheaval, and plenty of reasons the national side can’t get its backside in gear at big tournaments unrelated to the Union of 1707.
So let’s get on with it. And come on England!
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